Saturday, January 26, 2008

Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream.

I never believed in the concept of karma until now. In fact, I still don't totally believe in it, but it seems like too much of a coincedance when I finally got to be at the recieving end of it.

I heard Karma chameleon a long timg ago in school. Predictably, this was my fave line from the song.

I was taken off guard at work today when somebody said something to me that was much more a dramatic blow than I normally would've percieved it. Nothing big. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing which would directly impact my life. Nothing too grave to be unable to overcome. Nevertheless, the change I experienced within felt, well, irrevocable.

Lately, I have been trying to perfect the art of separating emotion from reality. Coz I usually feel that life gets kinda fucked up if I don't do this. So, I was more affected from the perception of reality and this is what deeply bothered me. Even as I think this, I can't think of how well I left my emotions behind. In fact, I would have been in a better position if this had something to do with emotion. Only because, in my head, emotion is an excuse to be upset by something. It's scary for me only coz my sense of reality is upset. So, all I have left for company is void. I try to keep my mind active and separate. But, every now and then, I get a lingering stab from void himself. I wish he'd leave me alone coz he leaves me helpless. As an afterthought, he likes to surprise me with vivid images which prolongs the sense of hopelessness. He also leaves me with a continoued sort of dread. He does a lot of things to me. He complicates it.

So, coming back to the karma bit. All I can say is karma or not, what I hate the most is the suffocating guilt involved. I'm totally lashing myself for my total apathy when I was at the giving end. I realise that this is one rare times when I guess it can be established that recieving is better than giving. (Who am i kidding, isn't it always? All those who think otherwise, carry on the good work.) Atleast, it never leave you with lots of sadness. Last time, I comforted myself saying it was meant to happen. This time I try to find similar comfort.

You do realise I'm being vauge on purpose?

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