Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I guess this is what it takes to rise up to challenges. It's never easy to be happy. Misery my old friend, I've missed you. Misery is beautiful. Misery is a friend. Misery is not. Misery needs company. Misery interferes. Misery dilutes joy. Misery is sick. Misery, I hate you. Misery, you make my joy worthwhile. Circle of life that.
Not ready to make nice was recco'd by Camel. That song doesn't make me feel too great. doesn't make me feel good even in a sad way. In fact, I'm growing to be averse to any song which has the feel of wailing women in it. oh well, there goes my angst. Anyway, it marks my moments in limbo. I'm stuck on the bridge. Did I mention I hate being stuck on a bridge? I only hope I don't fall into the river below. And i need a smoke, badly.
Monday, January 28, 2008
(P.S - Little bird by Annie Lenox was one of those pop songs I used to watch when i was 7 or 8 on MTV. I remember being kind of scandalized at the video. which i thought was a fashion show of transsexuals or close. Other related pop songs i watched at that time which revolved around the same theme was George Michael's too funky and free your mind by En Vogue. These videos shocked (the skin show) and excited (yes I wanted to walk the ramp) me at the same time. Today, i remember them fondly. And little bird, I love that song!)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I heard Karma chameleon a long timg ago in school. Predictably, this was my fave line from the song.
I was taken off guard at work today when somebody said something to me that was much more a dramatic blow than I normally would've percieved it. Nothing big. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing which would directly impact my life. Nothing too grave to be unable to overcome. Nevertheless, the change I experienced within felt, well, irrevocable.
Lately, I have been trying to perfect the art of separating emotion from reality. Coz I usually feel that life gets kinda fucked up if I don't do this. So, I was more affected from the perception of reality and this is what deeply bothered me. Even as I think this, I can't think of how well I left my emotions behind. In fact, I would have been in a better position if this had something to do with emotion. Only because, in my head, emotion is an excuse to be upset by something. It's scary for me only coz my sense of reality is upset. So, all I have left for company is void. I try to keep my mind active and separate. But, every now and then, I get a lingering stab from void himself. I wish he'd leave me alone coz he leaves me helpless. As an afterthought, he likes to surprise me with vivid images which prolongs the sense of hopelessness. He also leaves me with a continoued sort of dread. He does a lot of things to me. He complicates it.
So, coming back to the karma bit. All I can say is karma or not, what I hate the most is the suffocating guilt involved. I'm totally lashing myself for my total apathy when I was at the giving end. I realise that this is one rare times when I guess it can be established that recieving is better than giving. (Who am i kidding, isn't it always? All those who think otherwise, carry on the good work.) Atleast, it never leave you with lots of sadness. Last time, I comforted myself saying it was meant to happen. This time I try to find similar comfort.
You do realise I'm being vauge on purpose?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Anyway coming back to what this post is really about..
The gradual graying of the skies before the heavens burst open, the intoxicatingly damp smell of the earth as the first raindrops hit the dusty earth, the overpowering laziness of not wanting to go to school or college, listening to the sound of hard hitting rain on the asbestos roof above my courtyard, wearing rubber chappals(yes, the ugly ones you wear to the bathroom) to school/college coz ur feet are gonna get wet anyway, experiencing a small joy at not wearing socks n shoes to school that day, the slushy dirty road I had to walk thru to get to my bus for college, total annoyance at dirt being splashed on the back of my jeans, wide slimy slushy streets, the view of anna nagar roads flooded with water and people wading thru them, the empty-ness of the classroon a rainy day, the row of umbrellas i used to see lined up outside class, getting my feet soaked in water puddles while walking from my classroom to where the bus is parked , avoiding all wet surface in the college canteen, wearing baggy clothes to college coz it gets colder when it rains, the sound of the rain splattering on my window, wearing socks to bed when it gets too cold at night, listening to loud croaking (really loud) of frogs ringing thru the night before i fall asleep, the absolute reluctance to get out of bed in the morning, getting slightly drenched while walking back home after the bus drops me, the touch of the wet door gate before i get in, the neem tree just outside my house which pelts me with raindrops every time it sways, how all the plants look in my garden just after it rains, untidy piles of garbage gently rotting in the rain, the very many puddles i strove to not get my feet into, the freshly scrubbed green leaves on the trees after it rains, the view from my kitchen window being a blur of green, brown and grey when I go for an afternoon snack, being pleasantly woken up to know that theres a holiday coz of the heavy rains expected, general lethargy when it rains, hurrying(forcibly by mom) upstairs to get the clothes off the terrace before it gets wet and getting slightly rained on in the process, pretending to be revathy n do that film song in the rain dance, walking barefoot on the ground when it rains, hearing the drains outside go drip-drip-drip after when it rains, reading when it rains, hot bajjis when it rains, watching that funny mohanlal movie when it rains, a power cut when it rains, hearing a transformer burst in a distance when it rains, being under an umbrella when it rains, being under a blanket when it rains, sleeping when it rains, dreaming when it rains..
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Once upon a time last September, while listening to this blatantly cheerful song by Tom Petty, I (dramatically put but realistically) felt these waves of optimism crash over me. And if you read my older blog posts, you'll know that thats a rare moment. it is. Which is what caused me to name this blog so.
I could do no justice to this post if I try to cram in all whats happened since where I left off last.. When I looked at my moody blues blog I felt very amused more than anything. I love it coz it reflects who I really was. My life now is as drastically different as an alternate universe.
Something New :
- I am away from home. On my own feet and loving it.
- I am friends with people whom I never thought I'd be friends with, let along talk to.
- I have become somehwhat high maintenance and a bit of a cleanliness freak
- I realised this year, that I have a spectacular cognitive ability to understand people and situations.
- My mind seemed to have expanded in leaps n bounds.
- Tazz and I, we broke up. I do not wish to elaborate. Fun way to start the new year huh.
- Work keeps me busy and active. It feels awsome to be a productive part of a workplace.
- I can drink and smoke whenever I want, wherever I want without worrying about people. ( This is serioursly a Godsend)
- I never thought I'd miss Virgin Bride's wedding. (one of closest friends from school and college)
- I find myself being ridiculously tolerant bout people and their ways.
- I manage my finances very well.
- I dont think these (semisonic.blogspot.com/2006/07/dream-jobs-and-only-that.html) are as dreamlike as they once were to me.
- I never thought I'd so much enjoy non-ficition about the cosmos and the creation. ( refr to A short history of nearly everything - Bill Bryson)
- Previously, I'd have been appalled to like songs like this http://youtube.com/watch?v=0cjiesza0tQ (This is really funny i know.. heh.. In my defense, it reminds me of the Delhi life.. kinda like how I enjoyed some Satisfaction remix thing in madras)
Something Old (and its bound to much shorter than the new) :
- I am still very choosy about the things I buy. To wear, to eat, for my house.
- I am emotional as ever. It only takes me any old song to get teary eyed in the middle of work. Yesterday, I bawled thruout Father of the Bride for the nth time. and that flick, isint even that sad.
- Homesickness (but well made up for by my delhi home)
- I still cannot get used to the in-your-face Page 3-ness
- I still complain to whoever I can about how fat i look.
- I dislike the cold.
- I still love alcohol and a good party.
- I still make obnoxious, blunt comments at inappropiate moments.
- I still need somebody to love.
Something Borrowed (aka as my aspirations for the new year):
- I hope to keep blogging this year. Brought on by a little part of me who wants to write about all I see and learn each day. Maybe even write a book someday.
- I want to keep reading. (fiction, not, prose, poetry, anything which makes me think.. )
- Also, wanna travel to some new place each month.. (Think this might be the one which wud take the most effort.)
- And last, to constantly chase my spirituality.