Not ready to make nice

I have been totally slacking off work today after a long time. You know, I'm trying real hard to not make this blog a whiny mushfest like it once used to be. But, today I feel genuinely whiny and weak. To tell you the truth, I've been feeling whiny and weak for some days now. I don't like to meet the old me. Yesterday I got drunk and enjoyed a good cry. Just when I thought I couldn't get more emotion-less, the sorrow spilled over. for five minutes only.

I guess this is what it takes to rise up to challenges. It's never easy to be happy. Misery my old friend, I've missed you. Misery is beautiful. Misery is a friend. Misery is not. Misery needs company. Misery interferes. Misery dilutes joy. Misery is sick. Misery, I hate you. Misery, you make my joy worthwhile. Circle of life that.

Not ready to make nice was recco'd by Camel. That song doesn't make me feel too great. doesn't make me feel good even in a sad way. In fact, I'm growing to be averse to any song which has the feel of wailing women in it. oh well, there goes my angst. Anyway, it marks my moments in limbo. I'm stuck on the bridge. Did I mention I hate being stuck on a bridge? I only hope I don't fall into the river below. And i need a smoke, badly.

Little Bird

Once upon a time on a faraway land, lived a cherry tree atop a little hill. The cherry tree didn't know if it was meant to be on the hill or on plain ground like the other shrubs its age. In fact, the cherry tree didn't know if she was a tree at all. Nevertheless she grew well on the hilltop. Her leaves shone green with the sun fell on it. She sprouted bright pink blossoms and many a ripe red cherry fruit. The cherry tree loved her cherries and was proud of it. She thought it made her look pretty. Every day she would look up and see a little bird glide across the sky. The cherry tree listened to its clear melody and felt very content. Day after day, the cherry tree would wake up joyfully to the little birds sweet song. One such fine day, the little bird flew straight into the cherry tree and perched itself on one of her branches. The little bird quietly started nibbling on the cherry tree's berries. The cherry tree was slightly annoyed. She didn't like anybody touching her pretty red berries. To her frustration, from that day onward the little bird visited everyday. And whats more, he brought a whole crowd of his little friends too. The cherry tree was miserable as her berries where disappearing in front of her eyes. She didn't think she had much to look forward to now that the group of little birds had eaten her prettiness away. She was so forlorn and lost that she didn't enjoy the little birds song after that. Although the little bird had eaten up her berries she strangely, did not feel mad at the little bird. But, she could no longer appreciate the fine tune of the little bird's melody no more. She ignored his melody and his presence. The little bird eventually moved on to other cherry trees. The cherry tree sighed and sighed through many a sunrise and sunset. One day, the cherry tree woke up and felt something different. She wiggled and shook for a glimpse at her self. She saw herself look resplendently crimson. She was amazed to find herself full of pink cherry blossoms and her beloved red berries. The cherry tree couldn't help but break out into a big wide beam. She felt so much at home with her prettiness. The sun had dawned on the cherry tree once again.


(P.S - Little bird by Annie Lenox was one of those pop songs I used to watch when i was 7 or 8 on MTV. I remember being kind of scandalized at the video. which i thought was a fashion show of transsexuals or close. Other related pop songs i watched at that time which revolved around the same theme was George Michael's too funky and free your mind by En Vogue. These videos shocked (the skin show) and excited (yes I wanted to walk the ramp) me at the same time. Today, i remember them fondly. And little bird, I love that song!)

Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream.

I never believed in the concept of karma until now. In fact, I still don't totally believe in it, but it seems like too much of a coincedance when I finally got to be at the recieving end of it.

I heard Karma chameleon a long timg ago in school. Predictably, this was my fave line from the song.

I was taken off guard at work today when somebody said something to me that was much more a dramatic blow than I normally would've percieved it. Nothing big. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing which would directly impact my life. Nothing too grave to be unable to overcome. Nevertheless, the change I experienced within felt, well, irrevocable.

Lately, I have been trying to perfect the art of separating emotion from reality. Coz I usually feel that life gets kinda fucked up if I don't do this. So, I was more affected from the perception of reality and this is what deeply bothered me. Even as I think this, I can't think of how well I left my emotions behind. In fact, I would have been in a better position if this had something to do with emotion. Only because, in my head, emotion is an excuse to be upset by something. It's scary for me only coz my sense of reality is upset. So, all I have left for company is void. I try to keep my mind active and separate. But, every now and then, I get a lingering stab from void himself. I wish he'd leave me alone coz he leaves me helpless. As an afterthought, he likes to surprise me with vivid images which prolongs the sense of hopelessness. He also leaves me with a continoued sort of dread. He does a lot of things to me. He complicates it.

So, coming back to the karma bit. All I can say is karma or not, what I hate the most is the suffocating guilt involved. I'm totally lashing myself for my total apathy when I was at the giving end. I realise that this is one rare times when I guess it can be established that recieving is better than giving. (Who am i kidding, isn't it always? All those who think otherwise, carry on the good work.) Atleast, it never leave you with lots of sadness. Last time, I comforted myself saying it was meant to happen. This time I try to find similar comfort.

You do realise I'm being vauge on purpose?

Kiss the rain

Today, at an idle moment at work, I got a sudden feel of a rainy day in madras.. dusty cobwebs hung for dear life to the memory( not like it was so damn far away, but it sure felt like it) and I simply had to dust em away

The song kiss the rain holds special significance to me.. only coz it was the first song Tazz recommended and I loved it coz i always associated it with him (loved it otherwise too) and I listened to it during the time you-know-what happened.. also formed a background for many a rainy day during a particular Madras November monsoon.

Anyway coming back to what this post is really about..

The image of madras when it rains is colorfully etched in my mind.. its not just visual, it is, in totality, a whole lot of other things which reflect some of the happy(although, I didn't realise then) moments of my life. Today all of these flashed through my mind with much nostalgia and wistfulness.. and for the first time since I came here, I missed Madras more than ever before..

The gradual graying of the skies before the heavens burst open, the intoxicatingly damp smell of the earth as the first raindrops hit the dusty earth, the overpowering laziness of not wanting to go to school or college, listening to the sound of hard hitting rain on the asbestos roof above my courtyard, wearing rubber chappals(yes, the ugly ones you wear to the bathroom) to school/college coz ur feet are gonna get wet anyway, experiencing a small joy at not wearing socks n shoes to school that day, the slushy dirty road I had to walk thru to get to my bus for college, total annoyance at dirt being splashed on the back of my jeans, wide slimy slushy streets, the view of anna nagar roads flooded with water and people wading thru them, the empty-ness of the classroon a rainy day, the row of umbrellas i used to see lined up outside class, getting my feet soaked in water puddles while walking from my classroom to where the bus is parked , avoiding all wet surface in the college canteen, wearing baggy clothes to college coz it gets colder when it rains, the sound of the rain splattering on my window, wearing socks to bed when it gets too cold at night, listening to loud croaking (really loud) of frogs ringing thru the night before i fall asleep, the absolute reluctance to get out of bed in the morning, getting slightly drenched while walking back home after the bus drops me, the touch of the wet door gate before i get in, the neem tree just outside my house which pelts me with raindrops every time it sways, how all the plants look in my garden just after it rains, untidy piles of garbage gently rotting in the rain, the very many puddles i strove to not get my feet into, the freshly scrubbed green leaves on the trees after it rains, the view from my kitchen window being a blur of green, brown and grey when I go for an afternoon snack, being pleasantly woken up to know that theres a holiday coz of the heavy rains expected, general lethargy when it rains, hurrying(forcibly by mom) upstairs to get the clothes off the terrace before it gets wet and getting slightly rained on in the process, pretending to be revathy n do that film song in the rain dance, walking barefoot on the ground when it rains, hearing the drains outside go drip-drip-drip after when it rains, reading when it rains, hot bajjis when it rains, watching that funny mohanlal movie when it rains, a power cut when it rains, hearing a transformer burst in a distance when it rains, being under an umbrella when it rains, being under a blanket when it rains, sleeping when it rains, dreaming when it rains..

This is a nutshell is what I love about rainy days in madras.

Of new year updates and promises

I realise I havent written a proper blog post for a long long time.. Today just out of the blue, I went through some old blogs I used to visit during my jobless days at Madras.. made me wanna update mine again..

Once upon a time last September, while listening to this blatantly cheerful song by Tom Petty, I (dramatically put but realistically) felt these waves of optimism crash over me. And if you read my older blog posts, you'll know that thats a rare moment. it is. Which is what caused me to name this blog so.

I could do no justice to this post if I try to cram in all whats happened since where I left off last.. When I looked at my moody blues blog I felt very amused more than anything. I love it coz it reflects who I really was. My life now is as drastically different as an alternate universe.

Something New :

- I am away from home. On my own feet and loving it.
- I am friends with people whom I never thought I'd be friends with, let along talk to.
- I have become somehwhat high maintenance and a bit of a cleanliness freak
- I realised this year, that I have a spectacular cognitive ability to understand people and situations.
- My mind seemed to have expanded in leaps n bounds.
- Tazz and I, we broke up. I do not wish to elaborate. Fun way to start the new year huh.
- Work keeps me busy and active. It feels awsome to be a productive part of a workplace.
- I can drink and smoke whenever I want, wherever I want without worrying about people. ( This is serioursly a Godsend)
- I never thought I'd miss Virgin Bride's wedding. (one of closest friends from school and college)
- I find myself being ridiculously tolerant bout people and their ways.
- I manage my finances very well.
- I dont think these (semisonic.blogspot.com/2006/07/dream-jobs-and-only-that.html) are as dreamlike as they once were to me.
- I never thought I'd so much enjoy non-ficition about the cosmos and the creation. ( refr to A short history of nearly everything - Bill Bryson)
- Previously, I'd have been appalled to like songs like this http://youtube.com/watch?v=0cjiesza0tQ (This is really funny i know.. heh.. In my defense, it reminds me of the Delhi life.. kinda like how I enjoyed some Satisfaction remix thing in madras)

Something Old (and its bound to much shorter than the new) :

- I am still very choosy about the things I buy. To wear, to eat, for my house.
- I am emotional as ever. It only takes me any old song to get teary eyed in the middle of work. Yesterday, I bawled thruout Father of the Bride for the nth time. and that flick, isint even that sad.
- Homesickness (but well made up for by my delhi home)
- I still cannot get used to the in-your-face Page 3-ness
- I still complain to whoever I can about how fat i look.
- I dislike the cold.
- I still love alcohol and a good party.
- I still make obnoxious, blunt comments at inappropiate moments.
- I still need somebody to love.

Something Borrowed (aka as my aspirations for the new year):

- I hope to keep blogging this year. Brought on by a little part of me who wants to write about all I see and learn each day. Maybe even write a book someday.
- I want to keep reading. (fiction, not, prose, poetry, anything which makes me think.. )
- Also, wanna travel to some new place each month.. (Think this might be the one which wud take the most effort.)
- And last, to constantly chase my spirituality.